To a beautiful angel.

Katie. I can't believe one full month has gone by since you've left this Earth. The feelings I have are indescribable.  Nothing compares to the hurt of losing you.  Every time I come across something with red white and blue or new recipes on the internet or stupid mustache or cat jokes I want to text it to you.  Then I have to remind myself that I can't do that anymore.  Your beautiful life was cut far too short.  It's still hard for me to wrap my head and heart around the reality of it all.  I loved you so much it hurt.  We didn't always get along, I know how much you hated my passive aggressive cleaning tactics in the apartment, and sometimes I allowed myself to drift emotionally and push you far away.  I hope you know that through it all I always loved you and I always will.  You were the shining star in my life, the one who made me go out and have fun and embrace life to the fullest.  You forced me out of my grandma shell and still loved me for the weirdo I am.  Good thing you were one too, we were a pretty good fit.  I think back to the first time I met you freshman year, in the god forsaken writing 2 class at UCSB.  We didn't talk that quarter, but I remember you.  Then later that year we both ended up in pottery and you immediately started talking to me and we realized that we had been in that class together earlier in the year.  That was it, the beginning of a beautiful friendship.  You told me all about ballroom and I showed up the next day ecstatic for class and absolutely mesmerized by your shining light and vivacious personality.  We became best friends in an instant.  Over the next four years we were inseparable.  Almost all my pictures are with you.  When we chose to live together junior and senior year we were literally ALWAYS together.  If I wasn't at work or school I was out with you, or snap chatting you, or texting you.  Even as time went on and we were growing up and apart in different ways, we still made time for each other.  You are, were, and always will be, my best friend.  It breaks my heart to think about your last words to me that night and how I somehow knew that something wasn't right.  I never imagined a life without you in it, and it pains me to accept the reality of it now.  I still feel you all around me, laughing at the dumb things I do, and high giving me for some other things I know you'd be proud of.  I had a dream about you the night after the tragic incident, well more than one but this one I will never forget.  You looked me in the eyes and said that you should never have gone out that night. I really believe it was you visiting me, and I wish I could change things and bring you back.  I often think about what would have happened if I had been with you that night like we had planned earlier, maybe we could have been elsewhere, or I would have held you up long enough changing to see the boys that none of this would have happened to you.  It constantly nags at my head and my heart, all the what ifs, but I know that they are only thoughts and the pain of this terrible incident demands to be confronted and dealt with.  I talk about you everyday, in my heart you are still here.  Somehow, all my stories always involve you. Sometimes that fact makes me smile and my hearts warms, and other times it brings me to tears and I can't catch my breath.  A piece of me will always be missing without you darling girl.  I hope that there is a heaven or some beautiful place where you can feel all the love and prayers we are sending you.  I also hope you have lots of supplies for baking, beer for snappa and 7/11's, red white and blue to drape yourself in, and angels to hold your hand through it all.  The world we live in is a little less bright without you darling girl.  I love you to infinity and beyond, always and forever.  

She was fierce, she was strong

she wasn't simple, she was crazy

and sometimes she barely slept.

She always had something to say.

She had flaws and that was okay,

and when she was down, she got

right back up. She was a beast 

in her own way, but one idea

 described her best, she was

unstoppable and she took anything

she wanted with a smile.

-r.m. drake

Love you Katie.
-K

Sometimes you have to not be sure you have the answers.

Recently my mind has been lost in dreams of the things I want to happen.

I imagine what could be, what may be, what never will be if all I do is think about it.

There is so much more to life than imagining how great it can be.

Life is about action, movement, change, growth, and realizing that you don’t need to know how something will end up to take a chance on it.

This is something I’m starting to understand more deeply as time goes on.

I’ve sat back and let things happen all around me, complacent in my surroundings and happy to see others taking the chances rather than putting myself out there.

It may just be an end of the year evaluation on my own person, but it’s time to play the game and take the chances, even if I don’t succeed at least I won’t miss out on the opportunity.

This past year has been one of immense growth and many changes, and I’m looking forward to what the next has in store for me.  

I’m facing forward and not looking back, 

taking a step in a new direction, 

content to revel in the unexpected, 

not having all the answers,

 with an open mind and an open heart.

Cheers to taking those chances and living the unexpected life,

And the happiest of New Years.  

-K

To be continued.

I don’t know how many times I’ve though about what it meant to be a grown up.

When I was little I imagined it was to be like my parents in the most simplistic of terms.

To be tall.

To wear perfume.

To have children and a house.

To carry a briefcase, and have a job that allows you only to be home at night.

Turns out, I was right about a lot of things that growing up entails.

However,

My childhood simplicity left out the magic intertwined with the unforeseeable future and the inevitability of growing older.

Throughout the years I’ve realized that growing up means making mistakes, taking responsibility, and learning from the mishaps.

I’ve also realized that sometimes mistakes need to be made more than once for a lesson to really set in.

I always thought that when I was grown up, I’d have my future set out and planned perfectly.

I wanted to go to college, graduate with a perfect job lined up, meet a man, get married, live in a big house with a white picket fence, and so on and so forth.

Funny thing is, growing up has taught me that none of these generic terms of life are guaranteed.

(Even if I still dream of that perfect home with that perfect man)

The future is fickle and nothing is set out so blatantly in black and white.

Growing up is learning how to move with the tide.

It is to be flexible, open minded, and resilient.

It is to have fear, but to use the fear to your advantage as motivation.

It is to smile in the face of adversary, pick yourself off the floor, and continue on.

It is to remember the importance of family, friendships, and love.

Most of all, it is to remember that nothing goes as planned, and the best thing a person can do is remain true to themselves throughout this journey of life,

Preferably with a big smile and an open heart.

-K

Who's that girl?

I can’t help but daydream about what I imagine love to be.

It’s that surge of happiness through your veins.

A never ending stream of thoughts about that particular person.

Butterflies twisting and turning in your stomach.

It’s a big goofy grin.

A longing look.

A warm embrace.

A hand to hold.

Love is the way you look at someone.

It can be surmised in just one glance.

Seemingly so simple, but behind it all, incredibly complex.

Love, is Nick and Jess.

It may sound corny, but I can’t watch even one episode without the biggest grin on my face.

These two, now they have that love.

It’s messy, awkward, and wonderful.

The best kind.

With one look, you can tell that Nick is head over heels for Jess.

His eyes light up and he can’t help but smile.

They complete each other.

Sometimes, that perfect person is right next to you all along.

The one that will hold your hand through the ups and downs.

The one that calls you out on all your crazy.

The one that get’s weird with you.

The one that looks at you like you’re the bees knees,

and the cats meow.

Tonight,

I’m dreaming of a love like Nick and Jess.

And waking with a smile and a happiness knowing how good love can be.

Sweet dreams.

-K

Simple Thoughts.

Life can seem scary.

Especially when you realize that it’s messy, complicated, and wonderful all at the same time. 

One day you wake up and realize you have changed, your life has changed, and you are finally ready to accept it and move forward.

There are times when you get stuck in the past, and even better times when you realize how much there is to enjoy in the present.

This year has been my year of change.

For the first time I feel like an adult.

All the things that scared me before Paris,

(the future, school, life itself)

Well, they still scare me, but I am no longer afraid of what they will hold.

I’m excited for the challenges ahead and who I have become.

It’s amazing what can happen to a person after just a few months.

The growth one can go through, and how they see life, it all just changes.

For me, it includes an abundance of happiness.

This happens to be one of my favorite years in a while.

There is nothing inhibiting my path, and I am learning to enjoy every day with immense laughter and love.

Why waste time not doing what makes you smile and being with people that feel the same way.

It’s a wonderful epiphany: Surround yourself with people that only help you to grow and allow you to be filled with a happiness you may have never thought possible.

So, while my changes this year have come from within, I’d like to take this moment to thank the people in my life that have stood by my side without question, through the good and the bad, and have helped me to become the person I am today.

On that note,

Welcome change and growth.  Coupled with a group of wonderful friends, you could find yourself happier than before and on a path you are proud of.

Smile.

Laugh.

Let go.

Move forward.

Enjoy.

-K

The Debate.

LOVE. What is it? And why is it that sometimes the most extraordinary love is best let go of?

The question of great love versus right love:

Great love.  This all encompassing madness sends you reeling.  It’s more powerful than one can put into words.  There is this electrifying connection between the two people involved.  No matter what they go through, they still feel bound to one another in a sense.  It’s stunning, beautiful, and infuriating.  This type of love doesn’t always involve happiness.  A lot of the time this love clouds just how unhappy people really are.  It’s the type of love that cancels out compatibility, and truly follows the path of the heart.  Passionate and extraordinary lack in description to express the feelings one has with great love.  (Luckily enough, it usually endures, whether or not you end up with this person in the end or not, since that isn’t always how this love is meant to be.  It endures forever in your heart, and so do they.)

Right love.  This type of love consistently brings out the best in you.  It makes you smile every morning when you wake up, and every night before you go to bed.  It makes you happy, and light.  There is a weight lifted off your shoulders, a comfort, and a foreseeable future.  It’s full of special moments, bright eyes, and utter content.  It is a love we all yearn for.  The love that reminds us to be the best we possibly can everyday.  The love that remains at our sides and never lets go.  This love entails surprise love letters, nights of passionate love, and the look shared between two lovers that know they are meant to spend forever in each other’s embrace. 

Sometimes, no matter how extraordinary great love can be, one must let go to realize that right love is just around the corner and is offering them a lifetime of bliss and a never ending supply of happiness.  Still, the great love remains, and for some it never ends.  However, the luckiest of all find a love that doesn’t make them chose.  This love is both great, and right.  It’s something I like to call true love.  Those butterflies remain, but only because after all this time you are still happy.  This love is crazy, and beautiful, all consuming, but you still manage to remain yourself amidst it all, and love your partner for doing the same.  You pick each other up when you stumble, and love them for every piece of their wonderful soul.  Like any other relationship fights occur and sometimes the light of happiness dims, but it always endures.  True love is hard work and messy, but it is a combination of the best that love has to offer. 

Whatever type of love befalls you, best of luck.

-K